BMX Bandits (1983)

When looking up movies directed by Brian Trenchard-Smith I was reminded of 1983's BMX Bandits starring Nicole Kidman in one of her first roles. During the big unicorn and video game crazes of that time period, there was also a huge street bike craze going on. On my block, Mongooses, Diamondbacks, and Dynos ruled the streets. Yet my sorry ass never got one. I had to settle for a Huffy Street-Heat from Bradlees that was clearly no match for those beasts. So sad.

This movie celebrates all the little nuances of street bike culture for kids, even the opening credits plays like some dated bmx promo vid. It also does a good job of making grown-ups look like idiots and of course the bandits are the heroes that save the day. Aside from the silly action sequences, it's a great little flick.

The Quest (1986)

Finishing out the Foreign-made section is an Australian flick from director Brian Trenchard-Smith. This time we find Henry Thomas being taken full advantage for his E.T. star power. I mean, the original movie poster even mentions this in case people needed reminding. Not only that but it goes on with a personal invitation from Thomas himself to go see this movie. Talk about pressure.

The movie does a good job in convincing little kidiots that the backhoe machine at the bottom of a pond is actually a Loch Ness type monster aka "donkegine." Pretty damn clever I must admit. And when I was a little kidiot, it scared the crap out of me.

After months of envying a friend of mine for possessing a VHS copy of this flick, I managed to find a copy at the Good Will for 2 dollars. Zing!

The Peanut Butter Solution (1985)

Another Canadian import that needs no introduction, this was that movie that lurked somewhere deep in your memory but seemed far too bizarre to be an actual movie. More like a dream. Apparently a lot of people my age share the same sentiment about it, probably because it was never released on DVD.........yet.

Bonus points if you remember that scene when the Chinese kid puts the solution on his balls and then has pubes growing out his pant legs. Only in the 80's.

The Dog Who Stopped The War (1984)

Staying on the subject of foreign-made family films, I give you the French Canadian import The Dog Who Stopped The War (La Guerre Des Tuques). If ever there was a movie that celebrated being a kid and playing in the snow, this is it. That snow fort was huuuuuuge. I had always wanted to go out and build one just like it, but always got tired and settled for a little wall. That fell over. Minutes later.

The English dubbing makes for some classic funny moments, especially with the Chinese kids. Unfortunately there are currently no English dubbed clips available on youtube. Oh well.

Making Contact aka Joey (1985)

Now I can't really confirm that I actually saw this when I was a kid, I watched it recently after finding a VHS copy at my local library and didn't remember any of it. Either way, it's a fun little odd film from director Roland Emmerich, who gave us Stargate and Independence Day.

Being made in Germany, it shares that quirkiness and charm that only foreign-made family films of that time period possess. There's also a lot of silly references to Star Wars, E.T., and Poltergeist sprinkled throughout. At first I thought it was just an homage, but it gets to the point where it's a little too blatantly obvious that they're ripping them off.

Something Wicked This Way Comes (1983)

Finishing out the scary movie department (for now) is Ray Bradbury's Something Wicked This Way Comes. Jonathan Pryce was pretty damn scary as Mr. Dark, who terrorizes the two boys and the town. I always thought Jason Robards was a little old to be playing one of the boys' father.

Yes, I know this is a Disney film and really isn't that scary by today's standards. But it is definitely creepy, in that Twighlight Zone sort of way and has great atmosphere.

House Of The Long Shadows (1983)

Thinking back on Poltergeist stirred up memories of this forgotten film, which I would say is the scariest movie I ever saw as a kid. I managed to hunt down a cheap VHS copy on ebay a few years back and finally got to watch it again. It's still just as scary, but now I can appreciate the campyness a lot more. The acting provides a good share of laughs.

I seriously want to know who's idea it was to get Vincent Price, Christopher Lee, and Peter Cushing together to do a horror film in 1983 with Desi Arnaz Jr. as the leading man? Sounds like a joke.

Poltergeist (1982)

The first time I watched Poltergeist was one hot, humid summer night around '84 or '85. My older sister and I were sitting on my parent's bed with our eyes glued to the tv. The volume was up pretty high to compensate for the noise coming from the air conditioning unit in the window. To this day that music used throughout with the "la la la......lala lala" still takes me back to that night.

Don't be fooled, this is a Steven Spielberg movie through and through. The production, acting, and special effects are all top notch. Despite traumatizing me as a kid, it still ranks amongst my favorite horror movies of all time.

Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory (1971)

Another 70's movie that got a lot of airplay on tv in the early 80's and also got a lot of kids fiending for candy. I was one of them. I can remember begging my father to make frequent stops at "the candy store" (which was really just a convenience store, but with a pretty decent sized candy section) where I would indulge in sugary evils like gobstoppers, bottlecaps, fun dip, nerds, bonkers, now & laters, bazooka joe gum, sugar daddys, swedish fish, and countless others.

One scene that needs to be mentioned is that freaky ass boat ride scene where it seemed like they ate some candy laced with LSD. Then they start seeing stuff like eyeballs and chicken's heads getting chopped off...............isn't this a kid's movie? You gotta love it.

My Favorite Ladies Of The 80's

I think it's about time I pay tribute to the actresses who made those 80's flicks even more enjoyable. Mainly because they made a young boy feel all weird inside and yet I was too young to know why. It was love. Here are my top 5:

1) Kate Capshaw

Credentials: Indiana Jones & The Temple Of Doom, Dreamscape, Space Camp



2) Tanya Roberts

Credentials: The Beastmaster, Sheena



3) Diane Lane

Credentials: The Outsiders, Rumble Fish, Streets Of Fire



4) Olivia d'Abo

Credentials: Conan The Destroyer



5) Barbara Carrera

Credentials: Never Say Never Again, Lone Wolf McQuade



Honorable mentions: Ellen Barkin, Kelly Preston, Phoebe Cates, Lea Thompson, and Mia Sara

Legend (1985)

Ridley Scott cashed in on the big unicorn craze of the early 80's (was there really a unicorn craze? I think I just made that up) with this film. Everything is lovely in fairytale land until ghouls show up and chop the corn off of this one unicorn. Then it turns winter in 0.2 seconds and Tom Cruise gets trapped underneath a frozen river.

Ferris Bueller's girlfriend gets captured by the Prince of Darkness (think Hellboy on roids but with the big horns) and it's up to Tom to save her and the unicorns and the world and the galaxy and the existence of eternal eternity.

All joking aside this movie rocks. Plus it has an amazing score by Tangerine Dream.

The Last Unicorn (1982)

While we're on the subject of lasts, I just recalled this forgotten cartoon from my childhood. Now I know the movie is about unicorns and unicorns are the gayest of all mythical creatures, but this movie is dark as hell. This ain't no My Little Pony. It's got this evil red bull that kills unicorns. It's got talking skeletons. And a tree with huge breasts.

These breasts were so huge I had to talk about them in a seperate paragraph. There's this scene where the hero gets tied to this tree and his face is stuck right in between them. To this day I still wonder how a G rated cartoon was able to get away with that.

The Last Starfighter (1984)

Just watched it this past weekend upon returning from a Bachelor Party with quite a few beers in me. This movie is just as great as I remembered. Awesome concept. An arcade game turns out to be a recruiting station for "starfighters" desperately needed to protect the galaxy from an invasion.

You could tell they were trying to ride on Star Wars' coat tails a little while also cashing in on the arcade craze and to do both in one movie is pretty damn impressive. Mind you, this was also the first movie to have all special effects shots done on computer.

It was pretty funny to see everyone come running to witness Alex beating the record score on the arcade game. But then again, it's a trailer park. There's not a lot of exciting shit going on there.